Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sites you can find me on...
babycenter.com, mostly. whattoexpect.com just pisses me off. Everything gets an error, it won't work to save its soul, and you have to be 17 to join. I really like babycenter, though. I made a livejournal account, but then I found out you have to pay for crap like customization and gadgets. I am NOT wasting my money on that. So I probably won't use it at all. Ever. The main thing I use though is this blog, so no worries, if you're on babycenter and blogspot, you're getting everything. Feel free to add me on babycenter.com. my username is bkerry1379. :)
HELP!
Okay. I'm only asking this because I've never been in this situation before and I have no clue what to do. There's a girl acting really flirty with my boyfriend and it's starting to drive me insane. I was so mad at her yesterday that I threw up my lunch. She's a friend of Tony's, but she's going way to far with the flirting. I don't want to cause drama, or offend her, or make her not want to be friends with him anymore, but she really needs to stop. Everyone else thinks so, too. How should I tell her to stop with out making her mad? I mean, sure, she'll be upset, but I don't want to cause drama. She's driving me insane. The only reason no one else talked about it before this is because they didn't want to upset me if I hadn't already noticed. He's not flirting back, of course. He just kind of blows her off. At first I thought it was hormones but then there were like 10 girls following me(they ended up giving up when we figured out they were up the hill) when I was trying to find Tony and "Mittens" so when I confronted her they could back me up. I ended up just shoving her out of the way so I could make out with him. She ran back to the art room. I don't even know her real name. It's a new school for me. How should I confront her in a friendly way? I don't want to make enemies...
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Week 9 Review (IT SUCKED)
This week sucked. My brother is moving in. Which means my electronics will get hocked, my jewelry will go missing, and my games will disappear. Not only that, but the yelling is CONSTANT. He's always pissed off about something. He uses ALL our money, and my mom doesn't say a thing. Oh, it doesn't matter if we can't pay the insurance, my brother needed meth. I see why Abel, his son, should live with us, but why him, too? He doesn't even take care of my nephew, his mom always does. When she actually does, I should say. But why does my brother have to stay with us? He damned himself to living on the streets. My nephew is only a child, a toddler. I can take care of my nephew. I cannot take care of of my brother.
There is a program that can help me though. If I move in with my best friend, Megan(I'll say her name because I know she doesn't care.), S.T.E.P.S can help pay for my living fees. It's a safe house. It's mellow. It's quiet. I'll be sleeping on the couch, but at least it's more comfortable than the futon I have now.
I wish I could move in with Tony, but I don't think it would work. Even when he moves in with his mom. I hate her. Seriously. She lies about important things, she doesn't know a DAMN THING about child safety.("Keep taking your Paxil, it won't harm. At all." Real quote.) She's....she's just.....stupid. I know that's a teenager thing to say, but that's the only way to describe her. I had to explain to her how dangerous Paxil is for unborn babies. She didn't believe me, so I got my mom to tell her how I have a heart defect from her taking Paxil. I guess I shouldn't bash her. I mean, it's not like it's her fault she's a fucktard that won't even buy her son proper clothes. Or food. Of course, his two sister get whatever the fuck they want while Tony is walking around in rags with his ribs sticking out, nearly crippled with hunger pains. I supply his breakfast and lunch everyday. I had to lie to my grandma and tell her all the food was mine, when really most of it is for Tony.
Okay, on to the symptoms. While my nausea has been calming down, I do get really bad back aches. My hips also hurt really bad. I can feel my skin stretching over my belly. It actually hurts. It's already awkward to sit down. The hormones. Oh, God. The hormones. There's this girl at school, okay? She wants Tony. Like really wants him. She would not leave his side today. I've never liked her, she rude. And I don't mind girls being friendly with Tony. But when you act and talk like he's your boyfriend, it's not okay with me. I've never been jealous before. But you gotta think. I'm getting big, hairy, and cranky. She's skinny, cute, not pregnant, and always cheerful. I know Tony wouldn't cheat on me. He just blows her off. I trust him a lot. I know he won't cheat on me with her, but it seems like I still want to prove myself to be more, which I am. She only wants him because she overheard a me say that he's....gifted. She doesn't want him for him. She doesn't want to be around him when he's sweaty, or dirty, or mad, or upset. So today, she went to find "her Rexxy Sexy." I told her I didn't know she had a Rex, and she said, "Oh, it's Tony." So I, still being friendly and pretending I don't care, went with her. She went up to him, went to hug him, and I don't know what got into me, I didn't even really care that much, but I shoved her out of the way and started kissing him. Like REALLy kissing him. She left. Almost immediately. I went back in the Art Room, where she was, and she said I had a bit of his saliva on my upper lip, and I said "Yeah, not your upper lip, what does that tell you?" I didn't even know what got into me. Usually I'm not like this. Plenty of girls hug Tony, but NOT like she does. Not in a romantic way. And they all respect that we are in a serious relationship. I've never been like this before. And I completely trust him. It's not that I'm worried he'll leave me for her, I guess I just wanted to make it clear that he's MINE. No one in that school has ever seen me mad, so of course, they were all completely shocked. But even they thought she was going to far, so maybe it's not all hormones?
Anyway, I'm sure I bored you to death there, but it's nice to get what irks me down. I have four pictures today. So, yeah. Not really sure how to close this blog post. Here's a picture of....nothing. I'm too lazy to upload a funny picture. Here's my bump.
ALSO: I want all of you to know that if I do not find a safe, stable environment for my baby, I hate to say this, but I will not hesitate(maybe just a little, I'll cry a lot) to give my baby to a family who wants and can care for a baby. A family that can give my baby what they need. I want all of you to know that my baby comes FIRST. I'd miss her, of course, but I'd rather miss her than have some tweeker put her in the microwave or something. I don't doubt I can find a stable home, though. I have many safe places to go, this is only last resort.Have a wonderful week, trust me, it's better to stay positive.
Not sure why she got a girl outfit when I'm not even out of my first trimester yet...
I don't think it fits yet....
This is actually me this week....10 weeks, 3 days
10 weeks, 3days
There is a program that can help me though. If I move in with my best friend, Megan(I'll say her name because I know she doesn't care.), S.T.E.P.S can help pay for my living fees. It's a safe house. It's mellow. It's quiet. I'll be sleeping on the couch, but at least it's more comfortable than the futon I have now.
I wish I could move in with Tony, but I don't think it would work. Even when he moves in with his mom. I hate her. Seriously. She lies about important things, she doesn't know a DAMN THING about child safety.("Keep taking your Paxil, it won't harm. At all." Real quote.) She's....she's just.....stupid. I know that's a teenager thing to say, but that's the only way to describe her. I had to explain to her how dangerous Paxil is for unborn babies. She didn't believe me, so I got my mom to tell her how I have a heart defect from her taking Paxil. I guess I shouldn't bash her. I mean, it's not like it's her fault she's a fucktard that won't even buy her son proper clothes. Or food. Of course, his two sister get whatever the fuck they want while Tony is walking around in rags with his ribs sticking out, nearly crippled with hunger pains. I supply his breakfast and lunch everyday. I had to lie to my grandma and tell her all the food was mine, when really most of it is for Tony.
Okay, on to the symptoms. While my nausea has been calming down, I do get really bad back aches. My hips also hurt really bad. I can feel my skin stretching over my belly. It actually hurts. It's already awkward to sit down. The hormones. Oh, God. The hormones. There's this girl at school, okay? She wants Tony. Like really wants him. She would not leave his side today. I've never liked her, she rude. And I don't mind girls being friendly with Tony. But when you act and talk like he's your boyfriend, it's not okay with me. I've never been jealous before. But you gotta think. I'm getting big, hairy, and cranky. She's skinny, cute, not pregnant, and always cheerful. I know Tony wouldn't cheat on me. He just blows her off. I trust him a lot. I know he won't cheat on me with her, but it seems like I still want to prove myself to be more, which I am. She only wants him because she overheard a me say that he's....gifted. She doesn't want him for him. She doesn't want to be around him when he's sweaty, or dirty, or mad, or upset. So today, she went to find "her Rexxy Sexy." I told her I didn't know she had a Rex, and she said, "Oh, it's Tony." So I, still being friendly and pretending I don't care, went with her. She went up to him, went to hug him, and I don't know what got into me, I didn't even really care that much, but I shoved her out of the way and started kissing him. Like REALLy kissing him. She left. Almost immediately. I went back in the Art Room, where she was, and she said I had a bit of his saliva on my upper lip, and I said "Yeah, not your upper lip, what does that tell you?" I didn't even know what got into me. Usually I'm not like this. Plenty of girls hug Tony, but NOT like she does. Not in a romantic way. And they all respect that we are in a serious relationship. I've never been like this before. And I completely trust him. It's not that I'm worried he'll leave me for her, I guess I just wanted to make it clear that he's MINE. No one in that school has ever seen me mad, so of course, they were all completely shocked. But even they thought she was going to far, so maybe it's not all hormones?
Anyway, I'm sure I bored you to death there, but it's nice to get what irks me down. I have four pictures today. So, yeah. Not really sure how to close this blog post. Here's a picture of....nothing. I'm too lazy to upload a funny picture. Here's my bump.
ALSO: I want all of you to know that if I do not find a safe, stable environment for my baby, I hate to say this, but I will not hesitate(maybe just a little, I'll cry a lot) to give my baby to a family who wants and can care for a baby. A family that can give my baby what they need. I want all of you to know that my baby comes FIRST. I'd miss her, of course, but I'd rather miss her than have some tweeker put her in the microwave or something. I don't doubt I can find a stable home, though. I have many safe places to go, this is only last resort.Have a wonderful week, trust me, it's better to stay positive.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Week 8 Review
I'm really getting sick of people's opinions. Yep, I'm pregnant. Is it your business to ask me if why I didn't have an abortion? No. I'm never even the one to bring up the subject! Everybody knows, so they feel that they have to put their two cents in. I don't brag about this. I'm extremely ashamed. So why do people always have to insult me, or make me feel like shit in some way. Even other pregnant teens are snotty to me! I don't understand what her problem is. Maybe she's jealous because my boyfriend is still around. Maybe she's naturally a bitch. I don't know. We're always told not to judge people from their attitude in my school, but why does pregnancy give her the right to treat me the way she is? If I did that, I get in a shitload of trouble. But, whatever, she moved. 50 miles away. Thank God. I didn't know what to do. Confronting her, even nicely would cause drama. Even if I talked to a teacher about it. I'm not exactly the favorite. The teachers never listen to me.
I don't mean to single her out but everyone at school was pretty pissed off at her. Anyway, symptom-wise, it's awkward to sit down because I feel so bloated. I didn't expect that until later. Usually you only see women sitting down awkwardly when they're really big. It feels like I got stabbed in both sides of my chest and the knives are being twisted. All. The. Time. It hurts so bad. I already don't fit in most of my bras. I'm nauseous from sun down to morning. If I eat in that time period, even if I'm not nauseous, I will throw up. And it's sudden. Like the last time I threw up. I was just doing dishes and all the sudden my whole breakfast came up. I have to eat breakfast at school. My back hurts a lot, and no massage or position helps it. My legs go numb really easy and I don't quite understand that.
I may have found an apartment. However, with my mother's record, we may not be accepted. It's a decent apartment. We'd have a back porch, and a garage, which is more than I've ever had. I'm hoping my mom will let me have the master bedroom since Lucy will be sharing a room with me. Which I don't mind. I'd rather she be right there anyway. I can't wait to move. No loud noises, no nagging from my Grandma, no snide comments. Just me, my mom, and Lucy. And Tony. While he won't be living with us, he'll be over a lot.
Anyway, I am now 9 weeks, and 3 days. The thought of holding my baby both scares and excites me. I'm not sure why it scares me. I've taken care of newborns before. I'm scared of labor, too. I have narrow, sensitive hips. I'm almost certain they'll break. I don't know, though. Everyone is scared of labor. It's not exactly the funnest thing to do. I get this feeling when I think of her. It's like a really different feeling. I've never felt this way. I feel like a mother. Is that normal this early?
9 wk 3 d
Another angle to get a perspective.
I feel like when I got pregnant, everyone forgot that I'm a top student, everyone forgot that I was the family babysitter, everyone forgot who I am. My family didn't like me before, but now they REALLY don't like me. I don't understand how I could be stupid enough to not use a condom. I honestly can't believe myself! How could I be so irresponsible? How could we both be so irresponsible? At first we were really strict on condoms. Then we relaxed on it. I don't even know why. We ran out of condoms and we put off getting more, I guess. That was stupid. Now instead of paying 13 bucks, we're paying several thousand a year.
I don't mean to single her out but everyone at school was pretty pissed off at her. Anyway, symptom-wise, it's awkward to sit down because I feel so bloated. I didn't expect that until later. Usually you only see women sitting down awkwardly when they're really big. It feels like I got stabbed in both sides of my chest and the knives are being twisted. All. The. Time. It hurts so bad. I already don't fit in most of my bras. I'm nauseous from sun down to morning. If I eat in that time period, even if I'm not nauseous, I will throw up. And it's sudden. Like the last time I threw up. I was just doing dishes and all the sudden my whole breakfast came up. I have to eat breakfast at school. My back hurts a lot, and no massage or position helps it. My legs go numb really easy and I don't quite understand that.
I may have found an apartment. However, with my mother's record, we may not be accepted. It's a decent apartment. We'd have a back porch, and a garage, which is more than I've ever had. I'm hoping my mom will let me have the master bedroom since Lucy will be sharing a room with me. Which I don't mind. I'd rather she be right there anyway. I can't wait to move. No loud noises, no nagging from my Grandma, no snide comments. Just me, my mom, and Lucy. And Tony. While he won't be living with us, he'll be over a lot.
Anyway, I am now 9 weeks, and 3 days. The thought of holding my baby both scares and excites me. I'm not sure why it scares me. I've taken care of newborns before. I'm scared of labor, too. I have narrow, sensitive hips. I'm almost certain they'll break. I don't know, though. Everyone is scared of labor. It's not exactly the funnest thing to do. I get this feeling when I think of her. It's like a really different feeling. I've never felt this way. I feel like a mother. Is that normal this early?
I feel like when I got pregnant, everyone forgot that I'm a top student, everyone forgot that I was the family babysitter, everyone forgot who I am. My family didn't like me before, but now they REALLY don't like me. I don't understand how I could be stupid enough to not use a condom. I honestly can't believe myself! How could I be so irresponsible? How could we both be so irresponsible? At first we were really strict on condoms. Then we relaxed on it. I don't even know why. We ran out of condoms and we put off getting more, I guess. That was stupid. Now instead of paying 13 bucks, we're paying several thousand a year.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
My Pregnancy
Well, I thought I'd tell everyone what's happened so far. So here you go.
I started getting nauseous, the heat was killing me, and I always just wanted to pounce on Tony. Tony figured it out way before I did. I unbuttoned my jeans one day because they felt really tight. Tony jokingly "listened" for a heartbeat by pressing his ear on my belly. And all the sudden I just froze. I couldn't believe it. And then the tears came. And then I realized that crying was the only thing I've been doing lately. I don't cry easily. I knew right then, even with out a test. I knew. I'm pregnant. Then the sobs came. How was I supposed to tell my mom? My dad? My boyfriend's parents? I didn't really care what his mother said. She irks me so much I just smile and nod when she talks to me. His dad however, scared me. What would happen when he found out his son got a girl pregnant? We went all the way to Oregon with his father. I was so sick. I couldn't eat, or sleep. Everything was wet and cold. It was terrible. I took $100 emergency money. I spent $30 for a heavy coat. $70 on food because the person who INVITED me, and said he'd FEED me, did not. That would be Tony's dad. It sucked. No matter where we went, there was no where to sit. Ever. I was always uncomfortable. We convinced his dad it was the acclimation that was making me sick. However, we did have to tell his sister and her boyfriend. After we got back, they all had a dinner so they could tell him the truth. I didn't want to be there. He took it really well, I guess. I've seen him since, and he's not mean at all about it.
Two Fridays ago, I bled. I went to the emergency room, and they took an ultrasound. Everything was fine, but they told me to have 4 days of bed rest. So I did. Then the next Friday we were at a barbeque and I bled again. We went to the emergency room again, and they told me it will either, get worse, get better, or stay the same. I've been on bed rest since. I can't do anything. I can't lift my nephew, I can't walk anywhere, I can't exercise at all. I have to stay this way until my next appointment with my midwife, which is in four weeks. For someone who exercises constantly, and usually never stops moving, this SUCKS. Not only that, if I spot again, and my blood mixes with the baby's blood, my body will reject her. I don't actually know the gender, so I'm just calling her a girl until we find out.
I have to be out of the house by October 1st. That's right, I got kicked out. My mother took it well, but my grandparents did not. My father took it well, too. My father is not biological. My biological father is in prison. My father(not biological) lives in Sweden, so he can't really help me right now. But that's okay. I'd feel bad if he did, anyway. I don't have a good relationship with my mother.The things she's done is....difficult to forgive. Though I have forgiven her, I still don't trust her very much.
I go to a school for teen moms, who are either pregnant, or already have children. I'm an intern at the nursery there. Which is where my baby will be staying while I'm in class. I'm taking 12 classes, which makes me really happy because I'm a geek. Not a hipster glasses, crazy hair, "rebel" "geek." A real geek. I LOVE SCHOOL. And video games. By video games I mean I've been playing since the 64. I still play my Gameboy Color. Pokemon is my favorite video game for handheld devices. I also really like the lego games. As for consoles, I enjoy racing games, RPG, and...well....everything. Skyrim is by far my favorite console game. And yes, I've played all the other Elder Scrolls, too. I think I got off topic. Back to school. I'm usually quiet in school. And fast. I write fast, and my penmanship is pretty good. I've missed a lot of school so far because of different things. the first week, I went everyday except Friday. I was up all night with nightmares. By morning I was barely able to stumble to the bathroom. So I stayed home. Good thing, too. That was one of the days I bled. This last week I only went one day. Tuesday was my Midwife appointment. Wednesday, my alarm clock didn't go off and I woke up way after the bus leaves. I live 35 miles away from school, so we can't exactly drive there without spending a bunch of gas money. Then yesterday I was supposed to go get a shot, but my brother decided to go so I stayed home because I don't want to go 50 miles with an angry asshole who can't control himself.
Anyway, here's some pictures. I'm really thin, so my bump showed earlier than most girls. I'm at a healthy weight though, just thin.
6 weeks
5 weeks pregnant.
Lucy, 7 weeks
I started getting nauseous, the heat was killing me, and I always just wanted to pounce on Tony. Tony figured it out way before I did. I unbuttoned my jeans one day because they felt really tight. Tony jokingly "listened" for a heartbeat by pressing his ear on my belly. And all the sudden I just froze. I couldn't believe it. And then the tears came. And then I realized that crying was the only thing I've been doing lately. I don't cry easily. I knew right then, even with out a test. I knew. I'm pregnant. Then the sobs came. How was I supposed to tell my mom? My dad? My boyfriend's parents? I didn't really care what his mother said. She irks me so much I just smile and nod when she talks to me. His dad however, scared me. What would happen when he found out his son got a girl pregnant? We went all the way to Oregon with his father. I was so sick. I couldn't eat, or sleep. Everything was wet and cold. It was terrible. I took $100 emergency money. I spent $30 for a heavy coat. $70 on food because the person who INVITED me, and said he'd FEED me, did not. That would be Tony's dad. It sucked. No matter where we went, there was no where to sit. Ever. I was always uncomfortable. We convinced his dad it was the acclimation that was making me sick. However, we did have to tell his sister and her boyfriend. After we got back, they all had a dinner so they could tell him the truth. I didn't want to be there. He took it really well, I guess. I've seen him since, and he's not mean at all about it.
Two Fridays ago, I bled. I went to the emergency room, and they took an ultrasound. Everything was fine, but they told me to have 4 days of bed rest. So I did. Then the next Friday we were at a barbeque and I bled again. We went to the emergency room again, and they told me it will either, get worse, get better, or stay the same. I've been on bed rest since. I can't do anything. I can't lift my nephew, I can't walk anywhere, I can't exercise at all. I have to stay this way until my next appointment with my midwife, which is in four weeks. For someone who exercises constantly, and usually never stops moving, this SUCKS. Not only that, if I spot again, and my blood mixes with the baby's blood, my body will reject her. I don't actually know the gender, so I'm just calling her a girl until we find out.
I have to be out of the house by October 1st. That's right, I got kicked out. My mother took it well, but my grandparents did not. My father took it well, too. My father is not biological. My biological father is in prison. My father(not biological) lives in Sweden, so he can't really help me right now. But that's okay. I'd feel bad if he did, anyway. I don't have a good relationship with my mother.The things she's done is....difficult to forgive. Though I have forgiven her, I still don't trust her very much.
I go to a school for teen moms, who are either pregnant, or already have children. I'm an intern at the nursery there. Which is where my baby will be staying while I'm in class. I'm taking 12 classes, which makes me really happy because I'm a geek. Not a hipster glasses, crazy hair, "rebel" "geek." A real geek. I LOVE SCHOOL. And video games. By video games I mean I've been playing since the 64. I still play my Gameboy Color. Pokemon is my favorite video game for handheld devices. I also really like the lego games. As for consoles, I enjoy racing games, RPG, and...well....everything. Skyrim is by far my favorite console game. And yes, I've played all the other Elder Scrolls, too. I think I got off topic. Back to school. I'm usually quiet in school. And fast. I write fast, and my penmanship is pretty good. I've missed a lot of school so far because of different things. the first week, I went everyday except Friday. I was up all night with nightmares. By morning I was barely able to stumble to the bathroom. So I stayed home. Good thing, too. That was one of the days I bled. This last week I only went one day. Tuesday was my Midwife appointment. Wednesday, my alarm clock didn't go off and I woke up way after the bus leaves. I live 35 miles away from school, so we can't exactly drive there without spending a bunch of gas money. Then yesterday I was supposed to go get a shot, but my brother decided to go so I stayed home because I don't want to go 50 miles with an angry asshole who can't control himself.
Anyway, here's some pictures. I'm really thin, so my bump showed earlier than most girls. I'm at a healthy weight though, just thin.
7 weeks
I'm 8 weeks today, but my boyfriend has my camera for some project right now.
Welcome
I understand most of you would love to bash me and tell me how stupid I am, what a slut I am, all that jazz. However, I came here to vent not get "advice." I came here for support I can't get at home. If you just get to know me, I'm sure most of your default anger will subside. I miss being normal. I don't want to be treated like I'm pregnant. I'm no different! I'm still the same person. And either everyone immediately hates me, or immediately wants to be my best friend. If you wanna be my best friend, I don't mind. I just mind the people who already hated me that just want to get a good reputation for "helping" a teen mom. Yes, you know who you are. It's like I can't talk to anyone without them making some kind of reference to my pregnancy.
People also immediately think I have no clue what I'm doing. Like I have no clue about children or pregnancy. Like I'm not an intern at a newborn nursery. Like I didn't get my brother's baby dumped on me for weeks at a time because the parents were "busy." And everyone is telling me I can't go out and party and do crazy shit anymore. I never did that stuff, never will. Unless you know me, don't judge me.
I made a mistake. I got pregnant. But there's nothing we can do about now, (I don't believe in abortion in most cases.) so we may as well do the best we can to embrace our situation. "We" being me and my boyfriend, Tony.
Sorry about the rant. I just want to make all that clear. I will NOT be glamourizing pregnancy. Anybody who asks me, I will say that PREGNANCY SUCKS. It's a beautiful thing, but IT SUCKS. Rude people will be blocked. :)
People also immediately think I have no clue what I'm doing. Like I have no clue about children or pregnancy. Like I'm not an intern at a newborn nursery. Like I didn't get my brother's baby dumped on me for weeks at a time because the parents were "busy." And everyone is telling me I can't go out and party and do crazy shit anymore. I never did that stuff, never will. Unless you know me, don't judge me.
I made a mistake. I got pregnant. But there's nothing we can do about now, (I don't believe in abortion in most cases.) so we may as well do the best we can to embrace our situation. "We" being me and my boyfriend, Tony.
Sorry about the rant. I just want to make all that clear. I will NOT be glamourizing pregnancy. Anybody who asks me, I will say that PREGNANCY SUCKS. It's a beautiful thing, but IT SUCKS. Rude people will be blocked. :)
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