Week 10 Review

     Yep, I officially dislike almost everything. Mostly things about people. I can't stand them. What's so different about me right now? I'm pregnant? And that makes me different how? I'm still the same person! I just don't do risky things anymore. I'm sorry I'm not fun anymore, I'm sorry I don't party anymore, I'm sorry I don't drink or smoke anymore. But trust me, I'm not sorry. If you didn't know me enough before to find me interesting when I wasn't drunk, then that's your damn problem. I AM going to take care of my baby, whether you like or not. How was I stupid enough to even hang around that kind of crowd, anyway? I'm lucky my geeky(awesome) friends still love me enough that they still accept me as awesome after nearly forgetting about them. I feel so bad. I got a new group of friends, and I abandoned my real friends. And I missed them, to tell the truth. I missed having intelligent conversations, and talking about science and and math and shit. I missed it! I am a geek. I will always be so. I find math exciting. I love science. I know useless facts about a lot of things that don't even matter. I like learning. Does that really make me a boring person? Wait, I can't hear your answer over my scholarship. I'm done with people. And I know I was worried about the environment my baby is going to be in, but to be honest, I think I can do this. There's a program, actually several, that can help me get housing. I'm not considered "homeless," so they can't help me very much, but if I live with a friend, they'll pay for my living costs. I was so worked up last week. I was just overwhelmed, I guess. But I stayed the entire week end at Megan's house, and I feel great. I really do love her family. They accept me. They've known me so long that they can recognize my facial expressions, however blank my face is. I don't usually show my emotions. Everyone always takes the opportunity to stomp on them and tell me I'm wrong.  So, of course, when I told them that I'm pregnant, they knew I was nervous about their reaction. They reminded me how wonderful I am with kids, and bad situations, and told me that me getting pregnant was no different to them from me getting pregnant at 25, or 30. They're not even ashamed. I mean, they would never encourage me to have a baby this young, but now that I am, they're just happy for me. And I can talk to Laurie(Megan's mom) about weird stuff going on with pregnancy and she'll laugh with me about them, instead of getting all serious and what not.
           Anyway, can you tell I'm in a good mood? Symptom time! My nausea is now uncommon. Though, I do still have it once every 3 or 4 days. Mood swings are the same. Hormones are the same. Same shitty days, just a better attitude. Guess I'm getting used to it. My muscles hurt so bad. So do my joints. I keep getting woken up by joint pain in my hips, knees, ankles, and wrists. I keep getting sad about everything. But then again, is there anything except my intelligence that might help in this situation? Is hopes of college, and a better future all that makes me happy at this point? Even when I'm with  Tony, all I do is worry. He wants to move to Oregon. Near Coos Bay. There's more opportunities there. And he has family there. As much as I hate this God forsaken state, I don't want to move. Or maybe I do. I wouldn't have to worry about too many people, except Tony's family. They're not too bad over there, though. How am I supposed make friends over there? Everyone is different. I mean, it's halfway across the country! I don't know how to relate to them, and I don't like making friends. How can they be trusted? Maybe I'll just go to support groups and stuff. Like for new mothers. Maybe a yoga class, or something like that.
          I seem to be going into the same state I was when I was abused. Nothing is safe, don't go out alone, keep your guard up, don't show your emotions, don't share your opinion, don't do anything to make people notice you, don't trust anyone, avoid family. Yep, I'm stressed. Before, people could talk shit, but I was still an over-achiever. Now they have a reason to bash me and my opinion. 3 more weeks and I can start my medication. For depression, and various other things I don't like talking about. Depression is extremely common, and I can hide it from no one, so I may as well admit I have it. I could've taken medication during the first trimester, but I was seeing how I would do with out it. I would prefer not taking any pills during any time of my pregnancy, but I don't think I can last much longer with out. I'm not talking about suicide, just a breakdown. Then I'd go to the hospital, and then they'd be all like, "Yeah, about that parenting thing..." And then they'd take my baby. If I get overwhelmed I know to ask for help. And with anti-depressants, I'm just like everyone else, just with pills.
                       I guess I don't have much else to talk about.  Here's some picture, which took me forever because my hands keep trembling for some odd reason.

                                                            11 weeks, 3 days

                                                                     11 weeks, 3 days.
I may as well explain the dots on my tummy. The one below my belly button is a freckle, the top left dot is a third nipple, the top middle dot is a scar from a turtle taking a chunk of me. and the top right dot is a scar, from being bitten by a brown recluse. The cuts are from when I was anorexic, I cut every part of my body that I wanted to be smaller.Which was every part of my body.

Breakfast time! :D