There really isn't much going on right now. I find out the gender in 6 days, so that'll be fun. My mom is being so territorial over my baby when Tony's around. She just won't drop it. It's driving me insane. She acts like this isn't even his baby, like she has more right than he does to be there. She got really pissed off at me for telling her that I'm moving out when I'm 18. It was just casual conversation, too. We were talking about what I was going to do after I graduate. Why did she get mad? Because apparently, moving across town, in a town that's only 3 miles across, is just a cruel way of separating her from the baby.
It's really gotten to the point where Tony's mom is acting more rational than her.
I feel like I've been emotionally drained. And now that I'm showing, I get even more stares, because there's no denying that something is growing in me. Though, when I feel her kick or move, I'm absolutely overwhelmed by a sense of love and calmness. That also happens when I'm with Tony. I feel so safe with him. Most of my fears leave when he's around. I'm terrified of the dark, but with him, I don't even notice it. It's also gotten to the point that when I say I'm scared of something, he doesn't ask questions and he doesn't push it. He says that he knows enough about my past and there's no sense bringing it up again and getting me worked up. He's right, too. I imagine it would be unhealthy for the baby.
There really isn't much else to say. I'll be gone for a while, though, since I'm moving. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
week 13 review
Nothing has really happened at all. At this point I'm just twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen. Both me and Tony. I'm in my second trimester and now there's not much going on. I'm supposed to be moving soon. I've gotten a lot bigger and I'm extremely tired of eating healthy. I got WIC yesterday, and that will help a lot when I move. I've lost weight, still. Although at my 12 week ultrasound the baby was perfect, and longer than average.
Symptoms are rare for me now. I get a lot of hip pain and back pain, though. My gums are swollen and they bleed a lot.
Really sorry for the boring post, but at least things are calming down a bit. My camera is charged, so you get pictures this week!
12 weeks 3 days
12 weeks 3 days
14 weeks 4 days
14 weeks 4 days
Symptoms are rare for me now. I get a lot of hip pain and back pain, though. My gums are swollen and they bleed a lot.
Really sorry for the boring post, but at least things are calming down a bit. My camera is charged, so you get pictures this week!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Week 12 Review
Not much happened this week. Tony's parents are running out of things to gossip about, so now they're just starving for something to say about me. Their new thing is that they think this pregnancy was planned. I just want to say, why the fuck would I do that? I was striving to be a model. I was striving to have at least a month of no excitement in my life. I had sex with out a condom. That's it. Nothing more to it than lusty teenagers to lazy to get more condoms.
I feel so stupid. How could I do something like that? I've always been the responsible teenager. That chick that rejected everyone. That girl that was so against irresponsible teenagers. And now look at me! Now when I walk around town I get stared at. It's a relatively small town and I was very known around school. So everyone knows who I am, and everyone knows I'm pregnant. I go to school out of town though. Upstairs, it's just an alternative school. It's actually pretty great. Downstairs it's rebound, the alternative alternative school, where kids that are super unbehaved go. Then also downstairs is the Teen Parent Program. For teenagers pregnant, or already with children. Rebound only gets a tiny little room, but TPP has half the downstairs. There's two nurseries, and the classroom. I don't really talk to most of the girls there. I mean, I have casual conversation, but I don't really have actual conversations.
Symptom wise, I have had a couple days of nausea, a migraine, and more depression. And also happiness. Like, at the same time. I just want to move out already.
And that's about it. No camera, no pictures.
I feel so stupid. How could I do something like that? I've always been the responsible teenager. That chick that rejected everyone. That girl that was so against irresponsible teenagers. And now look at me! Now when I walk around town I get stared at. It's a relatively small town and I was very known around school. So everyone knows who I am, and everyone knows I'm pregnant. I go to school out of town though. Upstairs, it's just an alternative school. It's actually pretty great. Downstairs it's rebound, the alternative alternative school, where kids that are super unbehaved go. Then also downstairs is the Teen Parent Program. For teenagers pregnant, or already with children. Rebound only gets a tiny little room, but TPP has half the downstairs. There's two nurseries, and the classroom. I don't really talk to most of the girls there. I mean, I have casual conversation, but I don't really have actual conversations.
Symptom wise, I have had a couple days of nausea, a migraine, and more depression. And also happiness. Like, at the same time. I just want to move out already.
And that's about it. No camera, no pictures.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Week 11 Review
Everything sucks, but I've been feeling better. Probably because of the Prozac. Yes, I'm taking Prozac. The risks do not outweigh the benefits. I need to go to school, and I need to feel motivated. Plus, the baby can feel what I feel. So, if I'm stressed out, so is Lucy.
So, Tony is a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis, or CF. So am I. So our baby has a 1 in 4 chance of having Cystic fibrosis. While I carry the most severe gene for CF, Tony carries a very mild gene for CF. So pretty much, as a lot of people know, you get half your genetics from your dad, and the other half from your mom. If the half I passed on to the baby has MY mutated gene, but Tony did not pass on HIS mutated gene, then the baby will then be a carrier of Classic CF, but not have CF. Same thing goes if Tony gives his CF gene and I don't give mine. So if we BOTH pass on our mutated genes, the will the have Cystic Fibrosis.
For those who don't know, Cystic Fibrosis is common;y said to be the worst genetic disease you can get, and the most common in deadly genetic diseases. It effects most organs. While deadly in a lot of cases, if Lucy has CF, and she is a girl, she will be asymptomatic. If she turns out to be a boy, he would have mild symptoms and is at risk for being sterile. While 55% of people in the US with CF don't make it past 17 years of age, our child would be expected to live into their 50's. Which is saying a lot for such a bad disease.
Okay, on to symptoms. Nausea has been coming back in the mornings, food aversions are also coming back pretty strong. That's about it. Not really any mood problems. I'm actually packing to move out. With my mom. I'd say it would be a lot of fun but sarcasm doesn't work on the internet that way.
I don't have any pictures because my camera is out of juice.
So, Tony is a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis, or CF. So am I. So our baby has a 1 in 4 chance of having Cystic fibrosis. While I carry the most severe gene for CF, Tony carries a very mild gene for CF. So pretty much, as a lot of people know, you get half your genetics from your dad, and the other half from your mom. If the half I passed on to the baby has MY mutated gene, but Tony did not pass on HIS mutated gene, then the baby will then be a carrier of Classic CF, but not have CF. Same thing goes if Tony gives his CF gene and I don't give mine. So if we BOTH pass on our mutated genes, the will the have Cystic Fibrosis.
For those who don't know, Cystic Fibrosis is common;y said to be the worst genetic disease you can get, and the most common in deadly genetic diseases. It effects most organs. While deadly in a lot of cases, if Lucy has CF, and she is a girl, she will be asymptomatic. If she turns out to be a boy, he would have mild symptoms and is at risk for being sterile. While 55% of people in the US with CF don't make it past 17 years of age, our child would be expected to live into their 50's. Which is saying a lot for such a bad disease.
Okay, on to symptoms. Nausea has been coming back in the mornings, food aversions are also coming back pretty strong. That's about it. Not really any mood problems. I'm actually packing to move out. With my mom. I'd say it would be a lot of fun but sarcasm doesn't work on the internet that way.
I don't have any pictures because my camera is out of juice.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Week 10 Review
Yep, I officially dislike almost everything. Mostly things about people. I can't stand them. What's so different about me right now? I'm pregnant? And that makes me different how? I'm still the same person! I just don't do risky things anymore. I'm sorry I'm not fun anymore, I'm sorry I don't party anymore, I'm sorry I don't drink or smoke anymore. But trust me, I'm not sorry. If you didn't know me enough before to find me interesting when I wasn't drunk, then that's your damn problem. I AM going to take care of my baby, whether you like or not. How was I stupid enough to even hang around that kind of crowd, anyway? I'm lucky my geeky(awesome) friends still love me enough that they still accept me as awesome after nearly forgetting about them. I feel so bad. I got a new group of friends, and I abandoned my real friends. And I missed them, to tell the truth. I missed having intelligent conversations, and talking about science and and math and shit. I missed it! I am a geek. I will always be so. I find math exciting. I love science. I know useless facts about a lot of things that don't even matter. I like learning. Does that really make me a boring person? Wait, I can't hear your answer over my scholarship. I'm done with people. And I know I was worried about the environment my baby is going to be in, but to be honest, I think I can do this. There's a program, actually several, that can help me get housing. I'm not considered "homeless," so they can't help me very much, but if I live with a friend, they'll pay for my living costs. I was so worked up last week. I was just overwhelmed, I guess. But I stayed the entire week end at Megan's house, and I feel great. I really do love her family. They accept me. They've known me so long that they can recognize my facial expressions, however blank my face is. I don't usually show my emotions. Everyone always takes the opportunity to stomp on them and tell me I'm wrong. So, of course, when I told them that I'm pregnant, they knew I was nervous about their reaction. They reminded me how wonderful I am with kids, and bad situations, and told me that me getting pregnant was no different to them from me getting pregnant at 25, or 30. They're not even ashamed. I mean, they would never encourage me to have a baby this young, but now that I am, they're just happy for me. And I can talk to Laurie(Megan's mom) about weird stuff going on with pregnancy and she'll laugh with me about them, instead of getting all serious and what not.
Anyway, can you tell I'm in a good mood? Symptom time! My nausea is now uncommon. Though, I do still have it once every 3 or 4 days. Mood swings are the same. Hormones are the same. Same shitty days, just a better attitude. Guess I'm getting used to it. My muscles hurt so bad. So do my joints. I keep getting woken up by joint pain in my hips, knees, ankles, and wrists. I keep getting sad about everything. But then again, is there anything except my intelligence that might help in this situation? Is hopes of college, and a better future all that makes me happy at this point? Even when I'm with Tony, all I do is worry. He wants to move to Oregon. Near Coos Bay. There's more opportunities there. And he has family there. As much as I hate this God forsaken state, I don't want to move. Or maybe I do. I wouldn't have to worry about too many people, except Tony's family. They're not too bad over there, though. How am I supposed make friends over there? Everyone is different. I mean, it's halfway across the country! I don't know how to relate to them, and I don't like making friends. How can they be trusted? Maybe I'll just go to support groups and stuff. Like for new mothers. Maybe a yoga class, or something like that.
I seem to be going into the same state I was when I was abused. Nothing is safe, don't go out alone, keep your guard up, don't show your emotions, don't share your opinion, don't do anything to make people notice you, don't trust anyone, avoid family. Yep, I'm stressed. Before, people could talk shit, but I was still an over-achiever. Now they have a reason to bash me and my opinion. 3 more weeks and I can start my medication. For depression, and various other things I don't like talking about. Depression is extremely common, and I can hide it from no one, so I may as well admit I have it. I could've taken medication during the first trimester, but I was seeing how I would do with out it. I would prefer not taking any pills during any time of my pregnancy, but I don't think I can last much longer with out. I'm not talking about suicide, just a breakdown. Then I'd go to the hospital, and then they'd be all like, "Yeah, about that parenting thing..." And then they'd take my baby. If I get overwhelmed I know to ask for help. And with anti-depressants, I'm just like everyone else, just with pills.
I guess I don't have much else to talk about. Here's some picture, which took me forever because my hands keep trembling for some odd reason.
11 weeks, 3 days
11 weeks, 3 days.
I may as well explain the dots on my tummy. The one below my belly button is a freckle, the top left dot is a third nipple, the top middle dot is a scar from a turtle taking a chunk of me. and the top right dot is a scar, from being bitten by a brown recluse. The cuts are from when I was anorexic, I cut every part of my body that I wanted to be smaller.Which was every part of my body.
Breakfast time! :D
Anyway, can you tell I'm in a good mood? Symptom time! My nausea is now uncommon. Though, I do still have it once every 3 or 4 days. Mood swings are the same. Hormones are the same. Same shitty days, just a better attitude. Guess I'm getting used to it. My muscles hurt so bad. So do my joints. I keep getting woken up by joint pain in my hips, knees, ankles, and wrists. I keep getting sad about everything. But then again, is there anything except my intelligence that might help in this situation? Is hopes of college, and a better future all that makes me happy at this point? Even when I'm with Tony, all I do is worry. He wants to move to Oregon. Near Coos Bay. There's more opportunities there. And he has family there. As much as I hate this God forsaken state, I don't want to move. Or maybe I do. I wouldn't have to worry about too many people, except Tony's family. They're not too bad over there, though. How am I supposed make friends over there? Everyone is different. I mean, it's halfway across the country! I don't know how to relate to them, and I don't like making friends. How can they be trusted? Maybe I'll just go to support groups and stuff. Like for new mothers. Maybe a yoga class, or something like that.
I seem to be going into the same state I was when I was abused. Nothing is safe, don't go out alone, keep your guard up, don't show your emotions, don't share your opinion, don't do anything to make people notice you, don't trust anyone, avoid family. Yep, I'm stressed. Before, people could talk shit, but I was still an over-achiever. Now they have a reason to bash me and my opinion. 3 more weeks and I can start my medication. For depression, and various other things I don't like talking about. Depression is extremely common, and I can hide it from no one, so I may as well admit I have it. I could've taken medication during the first trimester, but I was seeing how I would do with out it. I would prefer not taking any pills during any time of my pregnancy, but I don't think I can last much longer with out. I'm not talking about suicide, just a breakdown. Then I'd go to the hospital, and then they'd be all like, "Yeah, about that parenting thing..." And then they'd take my baby. If I get overwhelmed I know to ask for help. And with anti-depressants, I'm just like everyone else, just with pills.
I guess I don't have much else to talk about. Here's some picture, which took me forever because my hands keep trembling for some odd reason.
I may as well explain the dots on my tummy. The one below my belly button is a freckle, the top left dot is a third nipple, the top middle dot is a scar from a turtle taking a chunk of me. and the top right dot is a scar, from being bitten by a brown recluse. The cuts are from when I was anorexic, I cut every part of my body that I wanted to be smaller.Which was every part of my body.
Breakfast time! :D
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I'm so bored.
I'm bored, so I'm going to say random things about myself that other people find weird.
- I won't drink soda out of a can if it has been out of my sight. This is due to the fact that a yellow sac spider once laid eggs in my sweet tea during the 7 minutes I left it unattended.
- I once bought Skittles at a ball game just to throw them at people. When you're in a crowd of people, it's pretty fun to watch them look for who did it.
- I have tan lines on my feet from my flip-flops.
- I have a 16 year old Miniature Schnauzer name Fritsy.
- My belly is now covered in hair from the hormones.
- I've had a Linea Nigra since I was 9. It's actually faded a little since I've been pregnant.
- I have a happy trail, always have. No one ever believes me.
- There is always room in my tummy for McDonalds french fries.
- I used to ha- IF MY DAMN DOG DOESN'T STOP BARKING I'M GOING TO F*CKING do absolutely nothing because my grandma won't let him in from the cold weather-ve a bunch of exotic fish. I went to the hospital and they let the DUMBEST PERSON TO EVER ENTER OUR HOUSE TAKE CARE OF THEM. She didn't feed them the entire time I was gone. Which was almost a month. Only my Anglefish survived. I think that's because his name is Lord Voldemort. Well, actually, she's a girl. She laid eggs. But I still call her Voldemort.
- I also now have a Beta Fish named David Bowie.
- I lick random objects. Not to look weird or funny, but because I just like tasting things....I guess. I have no clue why I lick things. It's just a really weird habit I have.
Sites you can find me on...
babycenter.com, mostly. whattoexpect.com just pisses me off. Everything gets an error, it won't work to save its soul, and you have to be 17 to join. I really like babycenter, though. I made a livejournal account, but then I found out you have to pay for crap like customization and gadgets. I am NOT wasting my money on that. So I probably won't use it at all. Ever. The main thing I use though is this blog, so no worries, if you're on babycenter and blogspot, you're getting everything. Feel free to add me on babycenter.com. my username is bkerry1379. :)
HELP!
Okay. I'm only asking this because I've never been in this situation before and I have no clue what to do. There's a girl acting really flirty with my boyfriend and it's starting to drive me insane. I was so mad at her yesterday that I threw up my lunch. She's a friend of Tony's, but she's going way to far with the flirting. I don't want to cause drama, or offend her, or make her not want to be friends with him anymore, but she really needs to stop. Everyone else thinks so, too. How should I tell her to stop with out making her mad? I mean, sure, she'll be upset, but I don't want to cause drama. She's driving me insane. The only reason no one else talked about it before this is because they didn't want to upset me if I hadn't already noticed. He's not flirting back, of course. He just kind of blows her off. At first I thought it was hormones but then there were like 10 girls following me(they ended up giving up when we figured out they were up the hill) when I was trying to find Tony and "Mittens" so when I confronted her they could back me up. I ended up just shoving her out of the way so I could make out with him. She ran back to the art room. I don't even know her real name. It's a new school for me. How should I confront her in a friendly way? I don't want to make enemies...
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Week 9 Review (IT SUCKED)
This week sucked. My brother is moving in. Which means my electronics will get hocked, my jewelry will go missing, and my games will disappear. Not only that, but the yelling is CONSTANT. He's always pissed off about something. He uses ALL our money, and my mom doesn't say a thing. Oh, it doesn't matter if we can't pay the insurance, my brother needed meth. I see why Abel, his son, should live with us, but why him, too? He doesn't even take care of my nephew, his mom always does. When she actually does, I should say. But why does my brother have to stay with us? He damned himself to living on the streets. My nephew is only a child, a toddler. I can take care of my nephew. I cannot take care of of my brother.
There is a program that can help me though. If I move in with my best friend, Megan(I'll say her name because I know she doesn't care.), S.T.E.P.S can help pay for my living fees. It's a safe house. It's mellow. It's quiet. I'll be sleeping on the couch, but at least it's more comfortable than the futon I have now.
I wish I could move in with Tony, but I don't think it would work. Even when he moves in with his mom. I hate her. Seriously. She lies about important things, she doesn't know a DAMN THING about child safety.("Keep taking your Paxil, it won't harm. At all." Real quote.) She's....she's just.....stupid. I know that's a teenager thing to say, but that's the only way to describe her. I had to explain to her how dangerous Paxil is for unborn babies. She didn't believe me, so I got my mom to tell her how I have a heart defect from her taking Paxil. I guess I shouldn't bash her. I mean, it's not like it's her fault she's a fucktard that won't even buy her son proper clothes. Or food. Of course, his two sister get whatever the fuck they want while Tony is walking around in rags with his ribs sticking out, nearly crippled with hunger pains. I supply his breakfast and lunch everyday. I had to lie to my grandma and tell her all the food was mine, when really most of it is for Tony.
Okay, on to the symptoms. While my nausea has been calming down, I do get really bad back aches. My hips also hurt really bad. I can feel my skin stretching over my belly. It actually hurts. It's already awkward to sit down. The hormones. Oh, God. The hormones. There's this girl at school, okay? She wants Tony. Like really wants him. She would not leave his side today. I've never liked her, she rude. And I don't mind girls being friendly with Tony. But when you act and talk like he's your boyfriend, it's not okay with me. I've never been jealous before. But you gotta think. I'm getting big, hairy, and cranky. She's skinny, cute, not pregnant, and always cheerful. I know Tony wouldn't cheat on me. He just blows her off. I trust him a lot. I know he won't cheat on me with her, but it seems like I still want to prove myself to be more, which I am. She only wants him because she overheard a me say that he's....gifted. She doesn't want him for him. She doesn't want to be around him when he's sweaty, or dirty, or mad, or upset. So today, she went to find "her Rexxy Sexy." I told her I didn't know she had a Rex, and she said, "Oh, it's Tony." So I, still being friendly and pretending I don't care, went with her. She went up to him, went to hug him, and I don't know what got into me, I didn't even really care that much, but I shoved her out of the way and started kissing him. Like REALLy kissing him. She left. Almost immediately. I went back in the Art Room, where she was, and she said I had a bit of his saliva on my upper lip, and I said "Yeah, not your upper lip, what does that tell you?" I didn't even know what got into me. Usually I'm not like this. Plenty of girls hug Tony, but NOT like she does. Not in a romantic way. And they all respect that we are in a serious relationship. I've never been like this before. And I completely trust him. It's not that I'm worried he'll leave me for her, I guess I just wanted to make it clear that he's MINE. No one in that school has ever seen me mad, so of course, they were all completely shocked. But even they thought she was going to far, so maybe it's not all hormones?
Anyway, I'm sure I bored you to death there, but it's nice to get what irks me down. I have four pictures today. So, yeah. Not really sure how to close this blog post. Here's a picture of....nothing. I'm too lazy to upload a funny picture. Here's my bump.
ALSO: I want all of you to know that if I do not find a safe, stable environment for my baby, I hate to say this, but I will not hesitate(maybe just a little, I'll cry a lot) to give my baby to a family who wants and can care for a baby. A family that can give my baby what they need. I want all of you to know that my baby comes FIRST. I'd miss her, of course, but I'd rather miss her than have some tweeker put her in the microwave or something. I don't doubt I can find a stable home, though. I have many safe places to go, this is only last resort.Have a wonderful week, trust me, it's better to stay positive.
Not sure why she got a girl outfit when I'm not even out of my first trimester yet...
I don't think it fits yet....
This is actually me this week....10 weeks, 3 days
10 weeks, 3days
There is a program that can help me though. If I move in with my best friend, Megan(I'll say her name because I know she doesn't care.), S.T.E.P.S can help pay for my living fees. It's a safe house. It's mellow. It's quiet. I'll be sleeping on the couch, but at least it's more comfortable than the futon I have now.
I wish I could move in with Tony, but I don't think it would work. Even when he moves in with his mom. I hate her. Seriously. She lies about important things, she doesn't know a DAMN THING about child safety.("Keep taking your Paxil, it won't harm. At all." Real quote.) She's....she's just.....stupid. I know that's a teenager thing to say, but that's the only way to describe her. I had to explain to her how dangerous Paxil is for unborn babies. She didn't believe me, so I got my mom to tell her how I have a heart defect from her taking Paxil. I guess I shouldn't bash her. I mean, it's not like it's her fault she's a fucktard that won't even buy her son proper clothes. Or food. Of course, his two sister get whatever the fuck they want while Tony is walking around in rags with his ribs sticking out, nearly crippled with hunger pains. I supply his breakfast and lunch everyday. I had to lie to my grandma and tell her all the food was mine, when really most of it is for Tony.
Okay, on to the symptoms. While my nausea has been calming down, I do get really bad back aches. My hips also hurt really bad. I can feel my skin stretching over my belly. It actually hurts. It's already awkward to sit down. The hormones. Oh, God. The hormones. There's this girl at school, okay? She wants Tony. Like really wants him. She would not leave his side today. I've never liked her, she rude. And I don't mind girls being friendly with Tony. But when you act and talk like he's your boyfriend, it's not okay with me. I've never been jealous before. But you gotta think. I'm getting big, hairy, and cranky. She's skinny, cute, not pregnant, and always cheerful. I know Tony wouldn't cheat on me. He just blows her off. I trust him a lot. I know he won't cheat on me with her, but it seems like I still want to prove myself to be more, which I am. She only wants him because she overheard a me say that he's....gifted. She doesn't want him for him. She doesn't want to be around him when he's sweaty, or dirty, or mad, or upset. So today, she went to find "her Rexxy Sexy." I told her I didn't know she had a Rex, and she said, "Oh, it's Tony." So I, still being friendly and pretending I don't care, went with her. She went up to him, went to hug him, and I don't know what got into me, I didn't even really care that much, but I shoved her out of the way and started kissing him. Like REALLy kissing him. She left. Almost immediately. I went back in the Art Room, where she was, and she said I had a bit of his saliva on my upper lip, and I said "Yeah, not your upper lip, what does that tell you?" I didn't even know what got into me. Usually I'm not like this. Plenty of girls hug Tony, but NOT like she does. Not in a romantic way. And they all respect that we are in a serious relationship. I've never been like this before. And I completely trust him. It's not that I'm worried he'll leave me for her, I guess I just wanted to make it clear that he's MINE. No one in that school has ever seen me mad, so of course, they were all completely shocked. But even they thought she was going to far, so maybe it's not all hormones?
Anyway, I'm sure I bored you to death there, but it's nice to get what irks me down. I have four pictures today. So, yeah. Not really sure how to close this blog post. Here's a picture of....nothing. I'm too lazy to upload a funny picture. Here's my bump.
ALSO: I want all of you to know that if I do not find a safe, stable environment for my baby, I hate to say this, but I will not hesitate(maybe just a little, I'll cry a lot) to give my baby to a family who wants and can care for a baby. A family that can give my baby what they need. I want all of you to know that my baby comes FIRST. I'd miss her, of course, but I'd rather miss her than have some tweeker put her in the microwave or something. I don't doubt I can find a stable home, though. I have many safe places to go, this is only last resort.Have a wonderful week, trust me, it's better to stay positive.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Week 8 Review
I'm really getting sick of people's opinions. Yep, I'm pregnant. Is it your business to ask me if why I didn't have an abortion? No. I'm never even the one to bring up the subject! Everybody knows, so they feel that they have to put their two cents in. I don't brag about this. I'm extremely ashamed. So why do people always have to insult me, or make me feel like shit in some way. Even other pregnant teens are snotty to me! I don't understand what her problem is. Maybe she's jealous because my boyfriend is still around. Maybe she's naturally a bitch. I don't know. We're always told not to judge people from their attitude in my school, but why does pregnancy give her the right to treat me the way she is? If I did that, I get in a shitload of trouble. But, whatever, she moved. 50 miles away. Thank God. I didn't know what to do. Confronting her, even nicely would cause drama. Even if I talked to a teacher about it. I'm not exactly the favorite. The teachers never listen to me.
I don't mean to single her out but everyone at school was pretty pissed off at her. Anyway, symptom-wise, it's awkward to sit down because I feel so bloated. I didn't expect that until later. Usually you only see women sitting down awkwardly when they're really big. It feels like I got stabbed in both sides of my chest and the knives are being twisted. All. The. Time. It hurts so bad. I already don't fit in most of my bras. I'm nauseous from sun down to morning. If I eat in that time period, even if I'm not nauseous, I will throw up. And it's sudden. Like the last time I threw up. I was just doing dishes and all the sudden my whole breakfast came up. I have to eat breakfast at school. My back hurts a lot, and no massage or position helps it. My legs go numb really easy and I don't quite understand that.
I may have found an apartment. However, with my mother's record, we may not be accepted. It's a decent apartment. We'd have a back porch, and a garage, which is more than I've ever had. I'm hoping my mom will let me have the master bedroom since Lucy will be sharing a room with me. Which I don't mind. I'd rather she be right there anyway. I can't wait to move. No loud noises, no nagging from my Grandma, no snide comments. Just me, my mom, and Lucy. And Tony. While he won't be living with us, he'll be over a lot.
Anyway, I am now 9 weeks, and 3 days. The thought of holding my baby both scares and excites me. I'm not sure why it scares me. I've taken care of newborns before. I'm scared of labor, too. I have narrow, sensitive hips. I'm almost certain they'll break. I don't know, though. Everyone is scared of labor. It's not exactly the funnest thing to do. I get this feeling when I think of her. It's like a really different feeling. I've never felt this way. I feel like a mother. Is that normal this early?
9 wk 3 d
Another angle to get a perspective.
I feel like when I got pregnant, everyone forgot that I'm a top student, everyone forgot that I was the family babysitter, everyone forgot who I am. My family didn't like me before, but now they REALLY don't like me. I don't understand how I could be stupid enough to not use a condom. I honestly can't believe myself! How could I be so irresponsible? How could we both be so irresponsible? At first we were really strict on condoms. Then we relaxed on it. I don't even know why. We ran out of condoms and we put off getting more, I guess. That was stupid. Now instead of paying 13 bucks, we're paying several thousand a year.
I don't mean to single her out but everyone at school was pretty pissed off at her. Anyway, symptom-wise, it's awkward to sit down because I feel so bloated. I didn't expect that until later. Usually you only see women sitting down awkwardly when they're really big. It feels like I got stabbed in both sides of my chest and the knives are being twisted. All. The. Time. It hurts so bad. I already don't fit in most of my bras. I'm nauseous from sun down to morning. If I eat in that time period, even if I'm not nauseous, I will throw up. And it's sudden. Like the last time I threw up. I was just doing dishes and all the sudden my whole breakfast came up. I have to eat breakfast at school. My back hurts a lot, and no massage or position helps it. My legs go numb really easy and I don't quite understand that.
I may have found an apartment. However, with my mother's record, we may not be accepted. It's a decent apartment. We'd have a back porch, and a garage, which is more than I've ever had. I'm hoping my mom will let me have the master bedroom since Lucy will be sharing a room with me. Which I don't mind. I'd rather she be right there anyway. I can't wait to move. No loud noises, no nagging from my Grandma, no snide comments. Just me, my mom, and Lucy. And Tony. While he won't be living with us, he'll be over a lot.
Anyway, I am now 9 weeks, and 3 days. The thought of holding my baby both scares and excites me. I'm not sure why it scares me. I've taken care of newborns before. I'm scared of labor, too. I have narrow, sensitive hips. I'm almost certain they'll break. I don't know, though. Everyone is scared of labor. It's not exactly the funnest thing to do. I get this feeling when I think of her. It's like a really different feeling. I've never felt this way. I feel like a mother. Is that normal this early?
I feel like when I got pregnant, everyone forgot that I'm a top student, everyone forgot that I was the family babysitter, everyone forgot who I am. My family didn't like me before, but now they REALLY don't like me. I don't understand how I could be stupid enough to not use a condom. I honestly can't believe myself! How could I be so irresponsible? How could we both be so irresponsible? At first we were really strict on condoms. Then we relaxed on it. I don't even know why. We ran out of condoms and we put off getting more, I guess. That was stupid. Now instead of paying 13 bucks, we're paying several thousand a year.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
My Pregnancy
Well, I thought I'd tell everyone what's happened so far. So here you go.
I started getting nauseous, the heat was killing me, and I always just wanted to pounce on Tony. Tony figured it out way before I did. I unbuttoned my jeans one day because they felt really tight. Tony jokingly "listened" for a heartbeat by pressing his ear on my belly. And all the sudden I just froze. I couldn't believe it. And then the tears came. And then I realized that crying was the only thing I've been doing lately. I don't cry easily. I knew right then, even with out a test. I knew. I'm pregnant. Then the sobs came. How was I supposed to tell my mom? My dad? My boyfriend's parents? I didn't really care what his mother said. She irks me so much I just smile and nod when she talks to me. His dad however, scared me. What would happen when he found out his son got a girl pregnant? We went all the way to Oregon with his father. I was so sick. I couldn't eat, or sleep. Everything was wet and cold. It was terrible. I took $100 emergency money. I spent $30 for a heavy coat. $70 on food because the person who INVITED me, and said he'd FEED me, did not. That would be Tony's dad. It sucked. No matter where we went, there was no where to sit. Ever. I was always uncomfortable. We convinced his dad it was the acclimation that was making me sick. However, we did have to tell his sister and her boyfriend. After we got back, they all had a dinner so they could tell him the truth. I didn't want to be there. He took it really well, I guess. I've seen him since, and he's not mean at all about it.
Two Fridays ago, I bled. I went to the emergency room, and they took an ultrasound. Everything was fine, but they told me to have 4 days of bed rest. So I did. Then the next Friday we were at a barbeque and I bled again. We went to the emergency room again, and they told me it will either, get worse, get better, or stay the same. I've been on bed rest since. I can't do anything. I can't lift my nephew, I can't walk anywhere, I can't exercise at all. I have to stay this way until my next appointment with my midwife, which is in four weeks. For someone who exercises constantly, and usually never stops moving, this SUCKS. Not only that, if I spot again, and my blood mixes with the baby's blood, my body will reject her. I don't actually know the gender, so I'm just calling her a girl until we find out.
I have to be out of the house by October 1st. That's right, I got kicked out. My mother took it well, but my grandparents did not. My father took it well, too. My father is not biological. My biological father is in prison. My father(not biological) lives in Sweden, so he can't really help me right now. But that's okay. I'd feel bad if he did, anyway. I don't have a good relationship with my mother.The things she's done is....difficult to forgive. Though I have forgiven her, I still don't trust her very much.
I go to a school for teen moms, who are either pregnant, or already have children. I'm an intern at the nursery there. Which is where my baby will be staying while I'm in class. I'm taking 12 classes, which makes me really happy because I'm a geek. Not a hipster glasses, crazy hair, "rebel" "geek." A real geek. I LOVE SCHOOL. And video games. By video games I mean I've been playing since the 64. I still play my Gameboy Color. Pokemon is my favorite video game for handheld devices. I also really like the lego games. As for consoles, I enjoy racing games, RPG, and...well....everything. Skyrim is by far my favorite console game. And yes, I've played all the other Elder Scrolls, too. I think I got off topic. Back to school. I'm usually quiet in school. And fast. I write fast, and my penmanship is pretty good. I've missed a lot of school so far because of different things. the first week, I went everyday except Friday. I was up all night with nightmares. By morning I was barely able to stumble to the bathroom. So I stayed home. Good thing, too. That was one of the days I bled. This last week I only went one day. Tuesday was my Midwife appointment. Wednesday, my alarm clock didn't go off and I woke up way after the bus leaves. I live 35 miles away from school, so we can't exactly drive there without spending a bunch of gas money. Then yesterday I was supposed to go get a shot, but my brother decided to go so I stayed home because I don't want to go 50 miles with an angry asshole who can't control himself.
Anyway, here's some pictures. I'm really thin, so my bump showed earlier than most girls. I'm at a healthy weight though, just thin.
6 weeks
5 weeks pregnant.
Lucy, 7 weeks
I started getting nauseous, the heat was killing me, and I always just wanted to pounce on Tony. Tony figured it out way before I did. I unbuttoned my jeans one day because they felt really tight. Tony jokingly "listened" for a heartbeat by pressing his ear on my belly. And all the sudden I just froze. I couldn't believe it. And then the tears came. And then I realized that crying was the only thing I've been doing lately. I don't cry easily. I knew right then, even with out a test. I knew. I'm pregnant. Then the sobs came. How was I supposed to tell my mom? My dad? My boyfriend's parents? I didn't really care what his mother said. She irks me so much I just smile and nod when she talks to me. His dad however, scared me. What would happen when he found out his son got a girl pregnant? We went all the way to Oregon with his father. I was so sick. I couldn't eat, or sleep. Everything was wet and cold. It was terrible. I took $100 emergency money. I spent $30 for a heavy coat. $70 on food because the person who INVITED me, and said he'd FEED me, did not. That would be Tony's dad. It sucked. No matter where we went, there was no where to sit. Ever. I was always uncomfortable. We convinced his dad it was the acclimation that was making me sick. However, we did have to tell his sister and her boyfriend. After we got back, they all had a dinner so they could tell him the truth. I didn't want to be there. He took it really well, I guess. I've seen him since, and he's not mean at all about it.
Two Fridays ago, I bled. I went to the emergency room, and they took an ultrasound. Everything was fine, but they told me to have 4 days of bed rest. So I did. Then the next Friday we were at a barbeque and I bled again. We went to the emergency room again, and they told me it will either, get worse, get better, or stay the same. I've been on bed rest since. I can't do anything. I can't lift my nephew, I can't walk anywhere, I can't exercise at all. I have to stay this way until my next appointment with my midwife, which is in four weeks. For someone who exercises constantly, and usually never stops moving, this SUCKS. Not only that, if I spot again, and my blood mixes with the baby's blood, my body will reject her. I don't actually know the gender, so I'm just calling her a girl until we find out.
I have to be out of the house by October 1st. That's right, I got kicked out. My mother took it well, but my grandparents did not. My father took it well, too. My father is not biological. My biological father is in prison. My father(not biological) lives in Sweden, so he can't really help me right now. But that's okay. I'd feel bad if he did, anyway. I don't have a good relationship with my mother.The things she's done is....difficult to forgive. Though I have forgiven her, I still don't trust her very much.
I go to a school for teen moms, who are either pregnant, or already have children. I'm an intern at the nursery there. Which is where my baby will be staying while I'm in class. I'm taking 12 classes, which makes me really happy because I'm a geek. Not a hipster glasses, crazy hair, "rebel" "geek." A real geek. I LOVE SCHOOL. And video games. By video games I mean I've been playing since the 64. I still play my Gameboy Color. Pokemon is my favorite video game for handheld devices. I also really like the lego games. As for consoles, I enjoy racing games, RPG, and...well....everything. Skyrim is by far my favorite console game. And yes, I've played all the other Elder Scrolls, too. I think I got off topic. Back to school. I'm usually quiet in school. And fast. I write fast, and my penmanship is pretty good. I've missed a lot of school so far because of different things. the first week, I went everyday except Friday. I was up all night with nightmares. By morning I was barely able to stumble to the bathroom. So I stayed home. Good thing, too. That was one of the days I bled. This last week I only went one day. Tuesday was my Midwife appointment. Wednesday, my alarm clock didn't go off and I woke up way after the bus leaves. I live 35 miles away from school, so we can't exactly drive there without spending a bunch of gas money. Then yesterday I was supposed to go get a shot, but my brother decided to go so I stayed home because I don't want to go 50 miles with an angry asshole who can't control himself.
Anyway, here's some pictures. I'm really thin, so my bump showed earlier than most girls. I'm at a healthy weight though, just thin.
7 weeks
I'm 8 weeks today, but my boyfriend has my camera for some project right now.
Welcome
I understand most of you would love to bash me and tell me how stupid I am, what a slut I am, all that jazz. However, I came here to vent not get "advice." I came here for support I can't get at home. If you just get to know me, I'm sure most of your default anger will subside. I miss being normal. I don't want to be treated like I'm pregnant. I'm no different! I'm still the same person. And either everyone immediately hates me, or immediately wants to be my best friend. If you wanna be my best friend, I don't mind. I just mind the people who already hated me that just want to get a good reputation for "helping" a teen mom. Yes, you know who you are. It's like I can't talk to anyone without them making some kind of reference to my pregnancy.
People also immediately think I have no clue what I'm doing. Like I have no clue about children or pregnancy. Like I'm not an intern at a newborn nursery. Like I didn't get my brother's baby dumped on me for weeks at a time because the parents were "busy." And everyone is telling me I can't go out and party and do crazy shit anymore. I never did that stuff, never will. Unless you know me, don't judge me.
I made a mistake. I got pregnant. But there's nothing we can do about now, (I don't believe in abortion in most cases.) so we may as well do the best we can to embrace our situation. "We" being me and my boyfriend, Tony.
Sorry about the rant. I just want to make all that clear. I will NOT be glamourizing pregnancy. Anybody who asks me, I will say that PREGNANCY SUCKS. It's a beautiful thing, but IT SUCKS. Rude people will be blocked. :)
People also immediately think I have no clue what I'm doing. Like I have no clue about children or pregnancy. Like I'm not an intern at a newborn nursery. Like I didn't get my brother's baby dumped on me for weeks at a time because the parents were "busy." And everyone is telling me I can't go out and party and do crazy shit anymore. I never did that stuff, never will. Unless you know me, don't judge me.
I made a mistake. I got pregnant. But there's nothing we can do about now, (I don't believe in abortion in most cases.) so we may as well do the best we can to embrace our situation. "We" being me and my boyfriend, Tony.
Sorry about the rant. I just want to make all that clear. I will NOT be glamourizing pregnancy. Anybody who asks me, I will say that PREGNANCY SUCKS. It's a beautiful thing, but IT SUCKS. Rude people will be blocked. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)